I remember as a child asking my mom a question and she would say go ask your dad. Then my dad would say what did your mom say. Well, she said to come ask you. Then he would try and send me back to my mom. Then I got smart and just would tell my dad she said its okay if it’s okay with you.
Which has brought me to another one of my questions that make me go hmm… Have you ever noticed how kids seem to have a sixth sense about which parent to ask when they want an answer?
Going back and forth between parents was for the birds! And now that I’m the parent, I’ve always tried to remember exactly how that felt. Which Suzzane didn’t have to deal with until she was 12 because I was a single mom unti then.
Then when my Ex and I got together he left all the decisions on what Suzzane could do up to me so she never had to deal with this. Then I Had Charlie and I wanted things to be different from my childhood.
When Charlie was growing up, I really tried not to play the “Go ask your dad” / “Go ask your mom” game. I wanted him to feel like if he came to either one of us with a question, he was going to get an answer.
That doesn’t mean David and I always agreed. It doesn’t mean we always had the same opinion. And it certainly doesn’t mean Charlie always got the answer he wanted. But I didn’t want him running from one parent to the other trying to get a different answer.
So I told David something very simple: If Charlie asks you a question, and I’ve already given him my opinion, you need to step up and answer him. Don’t just send him back to me.
Because if I’ve already answered the question, sending him back doesn’t solve anything. It just makes the child frustrated. As well as showing Charlie he could get his way and that wasn’t going to happen.
But David Had a Different Approach David’s response was often: “I don’t know. Go ask your mom.” And honestly? There were times I wanted to say: “That’s exactly what I’m trying to keep from happening!”
But instead of sending Charlie back and forth, I would just make the decision. Because I remembered being that child. I remembered standing there thinking: “Why can’t somebody just answer my question?”
I didn’t want Charlie feeling like he had to figure out which parent to ask until he got the answer he wanted. And knowing Charlie the way I did he would have done the same thing I did and just said mom said yes. So to keep the frustration done it got to the point Charlie would only have to ask me.
Now, I have a question for you. Why do parents do this? Sometimes it’s because Dad genuinely doesn’t know. Sometimes Mom genuinely doesn’t know. Sometimes one parent is simply more familiar with the subject. Sometimes one parent doesn’t want to make the decision. And sometimes, let’s just admit it, we’re tired.
“Go ask your mom.” “Go ask your dad.” It can be the easiest answer in the moment. But for the child standing there, it can feel like they’re being bounced around. And if they keep getting sent back and forth, eventually they may stop asking. Or worse… They may start figuring out how to get the answer they want.
Children learn pretty quickly and they are smart. If Mom says no but Dad sometimes says yes, they figure out who to ask. If Dad says, “Ask your mother,” they know Mom is the final decision-maker. And if both parents keep sending them back and forth? Well…
They may eventually decide to make the decision themselves. And that’s where the “Mom said yes, Dad said yes, I’m just gonna do it” problem can come in. Because from the child’s perspective, they asked.
They tried to get an answer. Nobody wanted to give them one. So they made their own. Of course, that’s not always the right choice. But I understand why the frustration happens because it happened to me as a child.
I tried to do things differently because I didn’t want Charlie growing up feeling like he had to navigate between two parents just to get a simple answer. If I knew the answer, I’d answer. If I didn’t know, I’d tell him I didn’t know.
If it was something David needed to decide, I’d tell Charlie that. And if David had already answered? Then that was the answer. We didn’t always agree, but I wanted Charlie to know that both parents were willing to actually parent him. That’s more important to me than always having the perfect answer.
Now I’m curious. Do you do this with your children? When your child asks Dad a question, does Dad say: “Go ask Mom.” And when they ask Mom, does Mom say: “Go ask Dad.” Do you find yourself sending the kids back and forth?
Or have you figured out a way to make sure one of you actually answers the question? Maybe you have a rule in your house: If you are asked the question, you answer it. Or maybe you have the opposite arrangement: Ask Mom about this. Ask Dad about that.
Every family figures out its own way. But I think it’s funny how something that seemed so frustrating when I was a child is something I still remember all these years later. And maybe that’s the biggest lesson of all.
Sometimes we remember exactly what it felt like to be the child. And when we become parents, we get an opportunity to do things just a little differently. I thank the LORD for that.
So tell me: Do your kids get sent back and forth between Mom and Dad, or does somebody actually answer the question? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only child who eventually thought: “Never mind. I’ll just decide for myself!” 😂
Grateful, Thankful, and Blessed
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates