I’ve shared with you in the past not only did Suzzane pass away but both of my parents have. Now, David’s father passed away this week. And now David is having to learn how to cope with one of his parents being gone, just as I have had to learn that lesson for a long time. This also means Charlie is dealing with another loss as well even though it wasn’t his parent.
There is something different about losing a parent. Even when you know that day is coming, even when someone has been sick, even when you have had time to prepare yourself as much as anyone possibly can, there is still something about realizing that you can no longer pick up the phone and hear their voice.
There are questions you don’t get to ask anymore. There are stories you don’t get to hear again. There are holidays that will feel different. There are ordinary moments when you will suddenly think, “I wish I could tell Dad or Mom about this.” And then life keeps moving. That is one of the hardest things about loss. At least it was for me.
The world doesn’t stop just because your world has changed. People still go to work. The grocery store is still open. The bills still come. Dinner still has to be made. The phone still rings. And eventually, other people return to their normal lives. But the person who is grieving is learning how to live in a life that isn’t quite the same anymore. And that is why checking on someone months after a loss matters so much.
I’ve lost many people throughout my life and now David is now learning what it feels like to have one of his parents gone. But loss isn’t limited to death. Sometimes a relationship ends and you lose the person you thought would always be part of your life. Sometimes a friendship changes and the person who used to call every day isn’t calling anymore. Sometimes someone moves away, and even though they are still alive and you can still pick up the phone, you lose the everyday part of having them nearby.
Children grow up and leave home. Families change. People move. Jobs end. Seasons of life come to a close. Sometimes we lose the future we thought we were going to have. And sometimes we lose someone forever. All of those things can leave an empty place in our lives. And all of them deserve to be acknowledged.
For me when Suzzane and my parents passed away about loss is that everyone else eventually goes back to normal. The funeral is over. The flowers are gone. The phone calls become less frequent. People stop asking how you’re doing. Not because they don’t care. Life simply gets busy again. But grief doesn’t always follow that same schedule.
Someone can be smiling at church, laughing with friends, going to work, taking care of their children and still be hurting inside. They may have good days. They may even have weeks where they feel like they are doing better. Then something happens. A birthday comes. A holiday arrives. They find an old photograph. They hear a song. They walk into a store and see something their loved one always bought. And suddenly, the loss feels fresh again. That doesn’t mean they aren’t healing. It means they loved someone.
The first few days after a loss are usually filled with people. But months later life can be very quiet. That is when a person may realize that everyone else has gone back to their lives, while they are still figuring out what their new life looks like. This is when your phone call can mean so much. You don’t need to give a speech.
You don’t need to tell them everything is going to be okay. You don’t even have to talk about the loss if they don’t want to. You can simply say, “I was thinking about you today.” That can be enough. Sometimes we avoid mentioning someone who has died because we’re afraid it will make the grieving person sad.
But they already know the person is gone. They are probably thinking about them. They may even be wondering whether everyone else has forgotten. So talk about them. Tell the funny story. Share the memory. Look at the photograph. Say their name. Sometimes hearing someone else remember the person you love is comforting. It reminds you that their life mattered to more than just you.
Birthdays can be difficult. Anniversaries can be difficult. Holidays can be difficult. The anniversary of someone’s death can be difficult. But sometimes the hardest days aren’t marked on a calendar at all. It might be the first time something happens without that person. The first Christmas. The first family gathering. The first birthday. The first time you need advice and realize you can’t call them.
You don’t have to wait for the anniversary of a death to check on someone. If you know they are going through a difficult season, reach out. A simple message can let them know they haven’t been forgotten. Don’t Assume Someone Is “Over It” I don’t like that phrase. How do you ever completely get over losing someone you love?
You learn to live with the empty chair. You learn to celebrate holidays differently. You learn to tell the stories instead of making new memories with that person. You learn how to carry them with you. But you don’t have to stop missing them. And you don’t have to stop loving them. The same is true with other forms of loss.
Someone can move away and still miss the life they had together. Someone can end a relationship and still grieve what they hoped that relationship would become. Someone can watch their children grow up and feel incredibly proud while also missing the little children they used to be. Two feelings can exist at the same time. You can be grateful for what you have and still miss what you lost.
There is another lesson loss has taught me. We spend a lot of time remembering the people who are gone. But we also need to pay attention to the people who are still here. Because tomorrow isn’t promised. We assume there will be another visit. Another phone call. Another Thanksgiving. Another Christmas. Another birthday.
Another chance to say, “I’m sorry.” Another chance to say, “I love you.” Another chance to sit together and talk. But none of us knows how many tomorrows we have. Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late If you love someone, tell them. If you’ve been thinking about someone, call them. If there is someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, reach out.
If you owe someone an apology, don’t keep waiting for the perfect time. If you have been putting off a visit, make the plans. If someone matters to you, let them know. We spend so much of our lives thinking there will always be another opportunity. Sometimes there isn’t. And I don’t say that to frighten anyone.
I say it because I’ve lived long enough to understand how quickly life can change. I’ve lost people I loved. I’v watched people I care about experience loss. And now I ‘m watching David learn what it means to live without one of his parents. Every loss teaches us something. But perhaps one of the most important lessons is this: Love people while you still have the opportunity.
You Don’t Have to Wait for Death to Tell Someone They Matter Maybe there is someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Maybe you had an argument. Maybe life simply got busy. Maybe someone moved away. Maybe a friendship isn’t what it used to be. Maybe you miss someone but keep telling yourself you’ll call tomorrow.
Call today. Maybe you have a family member you haven’t seen in too long. Go see them. Maybe your child is growing up faster than you expected. Sit down and talk. Maybe your parents are getting older. Spend some time with them. Take the picture. Ask the question. Listen to the story you’ve heard a hundred times. Because one day, that story may be one of the things you wish you could hear again.
We can’t take someone’s loss away. We can’t bring a person back. We can’t make a broken relationship automatically whole. We can’t make someone move back home. We can’t stop life from changing. But we can show up. We can listen. We can remember. We can make the phone call. We can sit on the porch. We can share a meal. We can say their loved one’s name. We can let someone cry without trying to make them stop.
And we can remind them that they are still loved. Sometimes that’s all someone needs. Not an answer. Not advice. Just somebody who stays. That is what I hope we remember. Not just when someone dies. Not just when we are sitting in a funeral home. Not just when we are looking at an old photograph. Every day.
Tomorrow isn’t promised. So don’t save all your love for tomorrow. Don’t save the phone call. Don’t save the visit. Don’t save the apology. Don’t save the “I love you.” Don’t wait for a special occasion to tell someone they matter. Life is happening right now. People we love are here right now. And someday, the ordinary moments we sometimes rush through may become the memories we would give anything to have one more time.
David is beginning a new chapter without his father. I know something about that kind of change because I have walked through loss myself. And if there is anything I have learned along the way, it is that grief teaches us not only how to remember the people we’ve lost, but how to appreciate the people we still have.
So check on the person who is grieving. Even months later. Check on the person who moved away. Check on the friend you haven’t heard from. Check on the family member you’ve been meaning to call. And while you’re at it, tell the people you love that you love them. Because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But we have today. And today is a pretty good day to love somebody.
Grateful, Thankful, and Blessed
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates