As much as I hate to admit it yesterday got me down. I was frustrated over so many things. Not a little frustrated. Not “I need a cup of coffee and I’ll feel better” frustrated. I was crying frustrated.
I was tired of feeling like I had to solve everybody else’s problems. Every time I turned around someone was wanting something from me. No, one was taking into account I needed to work to.
I love my family. I love my children. I love our animals. But sometimes loving people doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be frustrated with them. Have you ever felt like this and if so what did you do?
Today, I got angry because Sandy, the rescue dog, wasn’t where she was supposed to be. I had to stop what I was doing and go looking for her. I love that dog. She’s beautiful, and she deserves a good home.
But here’s the thing: if you bring a dog into your life, you have to take responsibility for that dog. You can’t decide you want a dog and then expect somebody else to keep up with her. And that’s where I find myself getting frustrated.
Because I have things that need to be done too. I have my own responsibilities. I have my own worries. I have my own things I’m trying to accomplish. And sometimes I feel like I’m constantly picking up something that somebody else didn’t finish.
Charlie wanted Sandy and not once has he taken her the to restroom or even outside to play. When he was working I know I would need to take care of her but he isn’t know. Instead of taking responsibility for her he likes to shut his bedroom door and expect me to watch her.
As much as I hate crating a dog I’ve been asking for them to get one from David’s mom so I ca do the things I need to get down. David refuses to go get the crate saying I’ll take care of her.
Then he comes home cooks, plops down in front of the TV and watches a show. Then he comes up and goes to bed. Then I’m left to make sure Sandy stays out of stuff again because Charlie is to busy on his game.
No, of this is Sandy’s fault she is a puppy and hasn’t been taught what is right or wrong and as much as I hate to say it I don’t have time to teach her. So her I am stuck with a puppy that will not stay out of stuff. I wish I could say I’m done but that wouldn’t be fair to Sandy who deserves to be loved and taken care of.
Then there’s everything else going on. The job situation that Charlie isn’t doing anything about and doesn’t even seem worried about. Even though he has a car payment due and insurance due soon.
Charlie should be making phone calls and asking questions because he needs answers. Instead he is letting his dad try and get answers and that isn’t right. That isn’t what I taught Charlie to do and its frustrating to me as well.
The things I want my children to learn about taking responsibility for themselves. And as much as I hate to say it that is something Charlie isn’t doing and I never thought Charlie would shrug things off but her is.
And when I try to help, sometimes instead of feeling appreciated, I feel pushed away. Sometimes there is yelling. Sometimes there are arguments. More times than not it’s get out of my room and this causes me to es, and I end up crying more than I should.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m some perfect mom who always responds calmly. I don’t. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I want to throw something. Sometimes I say things because I’m frustrated.
And today, I’m at that point. But here’s where my faith comes in. Faith doesn’t mean I never get angry. Faith doesn’t mean I never cry. Faith doesn’t mean I always know what to do. Sometimes faith means sitting in the middle of the mess and saying:
“God, I don’t know what to do anymore.” And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t have to solve everything. Maybe my children have to learn some things for themselves. Maybe I have to stop stepping in every time something doesn’t get done. Maybe loving somebody sometimes means allowing them to experience the consequences of their own choices.
Being a mom that is hard. I want to fix things. I want to protect Charlie but this time I can’t and that hurts. I want to make sure he’s okay. But sometimes I need people to ask mom are you okay and even though I might say yes, I may not be and a kind word or a hug would help.
But through all this not only does Charlie have to learn how to make the phone call. I have to learn to let him and if he fails it on his head not mine. Because they have to learn how to follow through.
They have to learn how to take responsibility. Because one day I will not be here to do these things for them. I wanted to make sure you remind your children as well Mom can’t always be the one standing behind them making sure everything gets done.
So today, I’m taking a breath. I’m crying. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. And I’m giving myself permission to admit all of that. Because I don’t have to be perfect to have faith. I just need to remember no, matter what happens the LORD is standing beside me and will take care of my family.
I don’t have to have everything together to love my family. And I don’t have to pretend everything is wonderful when it isn’t. Maybe somebody reading this needed to hear that today.
Maybe you’re frustrated too. Maybe you’re tired of being the person everyone depends on. Maybe you’ve cried today. Maybe you’ve yelled today. Maybe you feel guilty because you weren’t as patient as you wanted to be.
Take a breath. Start again. Give yourself some grace. And give God the things you can’t carry anymore. One thing at a time. One prayer at a time. One day at a time. Never give up. Be kind to yourself take a break from life and hide for a little while you deserve it..
Grateful, Thankful, and Blessed
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates